Hater. . .

Song To help contemplate life

Today in my Issue Based Theater class we had a pretty emotional day. It was basically the "Shit got real" part of challenge day. I am very distant from most of the people in the class manly cause thats just my nature, but I now feel a new found appreciation/respect for them. What we did we just got up 5 at a time a would individually at will say things that make us upset. I can not thank these people enough for being so brave and sharing their souls with me and the rest of the class. There are 2 things hat other people said the really resonated with me. One is from this girl name Shya, she said "I wish my friends new how much I really love them" and the other is from another girl who said " I hate when I see people who need help and I don't do anything". Which reminded me of this homeless woman I use to see at the bus stop. I would always see every time I rode the bus at a different bus stop. She had these messed up pair of shoes like it was basically a sock for her, and I said I would get her a pair of my mamas shoe because they were the same size but I never did. Now I don't ever see her, and I have so much regret, and I am so so sorry I didn't do anything. I think about her all the time and I could alter her life and I did nothing. I tend to take things like this really hard because all I truly want to be is a good human. When I die I want people to say "He was a damn good human" or "He was one of the people who actually cared". Why do I do stuff like that?
             When is was my turn to say stuff that makes me upset/ angry, I talked about how I compare myself to other people, how people call me crazy, how I tend to hate on other peoples success. This reminded my of a poem that changed my life. Its from BNV by Tampa Team Rock It West Wing. Its Amazing, beyond belief. This is my life.

Follow them on tumblr

Nia (Middle) -youthspeakinpimp.tumblr.com/

Eric (Right) - gravityamplifica.tumblr.com/

Haters By Nia, Eric, and Curtis

• •   Hello, my name is Nia and I’m a hater
    (hi Nia)
    
    I hate when my back aches,
    my mother says it’s because I sleep wrong,
    but I know that when I sleep,
    arms holding my head,
    legs dangling over the floor,
    mimicking threads of Rapunzel’s golden rope hair that chokes the life out of rumple-negros,
    not getting my sheets twisted with the tangle
    of the fairly horrid tales my walls whisper at night.
    What happens is,
    my mother’s stilettos slowly stab the same holes her mother did her spine,
    to mine,
    somewhere along the way someone must have told her,
    that the spikes in her souls could make her step higher,
    so she walks,
    its actually becoming a game to us at night,
    see, the goal is not to hurt me,
    we are just trying to see who can reach my dreams the fastest.
    
    
    Hi, my name is Eric. And I’m a hater.
    *Hi, Eric*
    I hate it when I walk into a classroom and everybody stares at me.|
    I just feel… dirty.
    I hate my desk.
    Always sticky, always covered in doodles…
    Of penises.
    I mean, Really? Just penises?
    The scary thing is though, I think that the kid that draws them is the next Picasso.
    But I don’t even think he could paint a picture as beautiful as the work of art that I’m staring at right now.
    Dreads, dangling.
    Braces, gleaming.
    Back slouched like she rings bells in a tower.
    She totally wants me…
    I can tell by the way she borrowed my pencil and didn’t even give it back.
    mmm, I can tell.
    
    Hello my name is Curtis
    And I am a Hater
    (Hi Curtis)
    
    I hate when the back of my neck sweats
    And the palms of my hands bleed from my nails digging into them
    My adrenalin pumps and I become a monster
    I mean, all he was doing was looking at her
    And I happily smashed his face into a locker
    I don’t, I don’t mean to do these things
    But it’s like I can’t control it
    People think I’m a punk, a bully, a thug
    But I just want someone to love me
    Love. Me.
    So hit me back
    I love the way your fists love my face
    Your feet feel like home inside of my rib cage
    
    Eric y Curtis - Notice me, I am here
    
    Nis y Curtis - Love me, I am here
    
    NIa – I hate when people stare at me,
    like my crooked back’s a snapshot of my insides,
    
    Curtis y Nia – bubbling to the top of a shotgun knife fight
    
    Curtis- Cock it and let it blow, my back still has holes from all the times I’ve left myself open
    
    Curtis y Eric- Choking on the words left unspoken
    
    Eric- I hate that it takes a kick me sign for you to notice me when you infest my wet day dreams leaving me with my backpack over my crotch so nobody notices I’m hard as a rock
    Together – but standing up isn’t easy when you’re sitting down in the back of a classroom
    
    Eric – WITH AN ERECTION
    
    Curtis – A broken heart
    
    Nia – and misplaced vertebrae filled with dreams mother had before king
    
    
    Curtis – I hate home
    Eric – I hate penises
    Nia – I hate that daddy isn’t around
    
    Curtis- I hate cigarette burns
    Nia – I hate having no siblings
    Eric - I hate when people SKIP me
    
    Curtis & Nia – I hate waking up in the morning
    Eric & Nia– I hate feet
    Nia & Curtis – I hate getting caught in hospital bed sheets
    
    Curtis & Eric – I hate my therapist
    Eric & Nia– I hate being bullied
    Nia & Curtis– I hate when mother turns the night light off
    
    Everyone – I hate rejection
    Everyone– I hate my mother
    Everyone- I hate myself
    *reflective pause*
    
    Eric & Nia-…and no snow flake in avalanche ever feels responsible ,
    Curtis- I was taught how to beat myself down
    Everybody-And now look at me,
    Nia-I’m bloody
    Nia & Eric-I’ve spent most of my days trying to cut myself out of my own body
    Everybody- But still I’m left cold and heartless
    
    Eric- Bows and arrows ready to fire with my pride as the target
    Everybody-According to my class I’m dumb, deaf and retarded
    Eric-I just want to live without wanting to die…
    Nia & Curtis-We say we hate the things around us in this life of sin,
    Everyone-But the hate that we’re expressing, comes from within
    
    Everyone - So inhale your inhibitions
    Curtis - swallow your pride
    Eric - make sure you keep that spine aligned
    Nia - make a portrait of yourself out of the puzzles pieces from the broken mirrors
    
    Everyone – It’s gonna be hard… I know
    
    but outstretched limbs toward those that aren’t to blame only reflects the bruised and battered hatred on your insides when love
    .. is that exhale… you should be searching to find

• • 
    

Unaware of the confidence within

For some reason I am always surprised when I find out that girls like me or are attractive too me. Like I don't get it, and I think its because I still hold on to the past. I had low self confidence back in the day because I always felt below average to everyone else. Like even going up to the first half of junior year. I would always be so bewildered that women would be interested in me and I would start to become a self sabotaging narcissist. Now I still think Im lacking some of that self confidence cause I'm like "Me?!?! I'm skinny, I have chicken legs, noodle arms, a bird chest, my smile is messed up, I don't fall into the black guy myth of having an abnormally large penis, my ears are big, I'm awkward, and I could go on and on", But I realize its not those attributes that make up the person. Sure their nice , but we just got to accept what god gave us. No one asks to be unattractive. oddly shaped, have blemishes or birth defects, but it happens, and the day that we accepts ourselves is when most of our problems will go away. So stand up and be proud, and never let anybody make you feel less about yourself or think that your not right, because not a damn thing is wrong with you, and life is too short to be ashamed by our own bodies. So this is me.
                 Hi my name is Andre and I'm

• Skinny
• I have a bird chest
• I'm not "cool"
• I got chicken legs
• I can't fight
• I do like cliches like long walks on the beach
• I will never probably ever be a girls dream guy
• I won't ever be a "chris brown" or "Taye Diggs"
• I have a growth defect
• I'm knock kneed

and I'm proud of that!

They Know Me

I think we all have those songs, where we feel like the artist wrote this or is talking directly too us. I don't know why but these songs, summarize my life.

A Secret To Share

She likes to call us a secret. I don't think she knows how the sight of her makes me go weak in the knees. How when I sat with her, my breath shallows sharp, and Im flabbergasted by the way her eyes danced with mine. I like her probably more than I should, and won't be able to love her nearly enough. She asked me not to fall in love in her absence, she said one day she will kiss me a kagillion times. I found out that she will be coming to visit me for a weekend in december and just the thought makes me break out in a cold sweat. I want to give her my heart, with the expectation that she will crush it or lose it or like toss it into Limbo. For the limited time that I see her, I'm not gonna try to push for sex or anything, because when I'm talking to her I don't think about those things. Sometimes I think am I infatuated with her? My best friend told me I was in love with this girl and I rightfully denied it. I love the idea of "Us" what we can become, the future us. I say I'm going to marry her, and I don't think people believe me but I will. Just wait. 

I'm Going To Take Over The World

. . . Finally A Man?

This is a touchy subject for me I don't know if I really want to speak much about it cause I'm confused on what a man is. What defines this? It is frustrating but my second favorite poet is Anis Mojgani who is simply brilliant I want to meet him but he defines my life in so many ways its not even funny.

As The Muslim Spits

This right here is my favorite poet. Amir Sulaiman is so brilliant. His poetry comes from being black in the hood and being muslim. He was on Def Poetry Jam a couple times. I think what gets me is that he is so simple but the writing is so strong. His word play and imagery is beyond dope. I like to quote him randomly in conversations like "Not I love you but, not I love you if, but when love is missed, then love turns to myth, so why break your heart for myth."  and "They lied when they say time flies, time floats aimlessly then time dies, a broken wing bird a slave to gravity". 

The Boombox In My Chest Plays..

So we all have that music you like to vibe to. Wear you can just chill and write, light a candle and do whatever. These are just a couple songs that do that for me, have you ever just heard songs that make your insides dance. All you can do is just nod your head to the beat and just listen.

                                           Inside the Clouds - N.E.R.D. 

Jettin - Digible Planets

                                             Summertime - Janis Joplin

    They Reminisce Over You - C.L Smooth & Pete Rock 

Fortunate Accidents

She says you exude sunlight,

loves remembering the reefer smoke and how close ya’ll bodies got.

How hot as ash and blunt burn that was.

She’d like that heat again.

Says only special boys can flirt constellations into girls’ eyes,

pick pocket their hearts in sniper silence,

lust jazz into their bodies under the moon or some shit,

kiss all of the ugly stumbling out of their mouths into something beautiful.

You have held her like a memory once. I think neither of you has let go. I like that. 

– Her

Analog - Tyler, The Creator ft Hodgy Beats

Thinking About You- Frank Ocean

The Evolution

Some people are born "Cool". The definition of cool meaning, the person everyone wants to chill with, all the boys want to be cool with, all the girls swoon over, the teachers favorite him, you know the cliche popular jock. I was never that. Through out middle school and for 3/4 of high school, I was extremely misunderstood. People called me weird, but I was never shunned or anything, I was just there. I was the main crowd but in the back round you may say. Well no, I can't say that cause I was well liked cause I'm funny and talented. I feel like during this past year since January 2011, I have really evolved. Like when it comes to swag, I'm getting up there, I'm dressing how I like, not worrying about name brands or ridicule of others but just doing what makes me happy. I own 4 pair of shoes, 2 vans, a beat up pair of addidas, and some black loafers and I've been on the come up. I think when I stopped caring about how others looked at how I dressed I gained that confidence which transformed into swaggar, and now I have this aura of feel good around me.

I think that another contributing factor to my evolution is the fact that I embrace being an artist. I love the arts and have truly gained a deep feeling for them. I appreciate music a lot more because I can now hear the soul that the artist puts into making the music. Same thing with the visual arts, I understand the artist through his sculptures and paintings and drawings. When it comes to poetry I've finally been "Going in" and that means I've been leaving my soul on the stage, I still haven't manage to black yet, which is suppose to be a whole out of body experience, and I think when I finally do that, I will be on another level of my evolution.

Through out middle school and till the 10th grade I was always just cute to girls. I think I evolved from that cute to handsome and thats a great feeling. I use to be real short and that was a turn off for most girls. I still like to deny the fact that I'm good  looking, maybe because I try to always stay humble. The one negative affect is the girls who didn't notice or give a damn about you back then, and now try to talk to you are such a turn off. As well as you get judged on your outer appearance more, when really I just want people to love my ability to love all things. Maybe I'm just picky, but I've found my wife now, but thats another post for another day. For now I just been taking day by day slowly , evolving like a pokemon, but for real just evolving into a better person. Because thats what I want to be remembered as a great person.
                                                              

My Perfect Place

I don't know if many people have a specific perfect place, but I have an Idea. I just want to have a little house in nature, where I can write, love and be at peace.

Maybe it’s the way I can hear the meadows grass whistling in the wind

The plethora of colors that drops in seasons leaves

I never knew time to stop in the essence of beauty

My skin has imprints due to weaving patterns of the hammock

Slightly heated by past suns rays

The moon mirrors to see cheesy reflection in waking ripples

It seems unreal

A mirage to be nothing more than a copy of the river of Styx

The embodiment of many bodies performing the dead mans float down the lazy river

Some nights I sit in translation

Conversing with my spirit

That has a way of coming out whenever thoughts get to heavy

Turning my inner peace into nostalgia of once kissed lips

So for tonight let me love the upper half of you

Under oak tree

Where my hands travel from the base of the trunk

Through the aged roots to make way to your hair roots

Stroking your black curls

And for the moment we are sharing your DNA

Lay your head on my shoulder

Interlock fingertips

Like the zipper on your winter coat

On the coldest evening of the year

Maybe this is where God sent Mary to see her son Je-sues

And Je-sues brought Mary to make love too, outside the eyes of judgment

I pluck a single eyelash and place it on top of a dandelion

Wishing away our fear of pushing up daisies

Now we can truly have an infinite amount of lazy Sundays

And some days when we are here we can get glimpse of what it feels like to be immortal

Maybe it’s the way I can hear the moon whispering in her ear

Letting the atmosphere create an orchestrated ensemble

Crickets chirping the tunes of urban violins

Her stroking my heartstrings like a cello

The twiddling of thumbs sounds like snaps

Of old school beat nick poetry venues and 60’s music groups on the corner of Detroit

And the way the wind consummates with the lakes mist it reverberates melodies of Esperanza Spalding

This place is majestic

With thoughts of it being the vision of perfection

The rain amplifies it to a new peak

Which gives us the idea that our happiness has a never-ending pinnacle to be reached

Here, slow drizzles and cloudbursts

Smells like the notes we passed to each other

Asking if we could “meet at lake”

Touching up the finished production with sprits of colognes and perfumes

So we can remember each other scent

This place is a heaven descendent

Maybe a time to finally ascend ascension

Where strengths overlook imperfections

And acceptance is found in every crevice

All we have to do is relax because here that’s all God wants in a form of pension

To ship off this message in a bottle

Riding the waves, inviting the misfit masses to a new haven

Extracting a thousand and one feathers from the backs of angels

So they can finally reach their cloud nine

Letting the definition of perfection to be this sanctum in our eyes.

"I Wish This Mic Was A Shotgun"

This is Mr. Matthew "Cuban" Hernandez. I call him Cuban. He is my coach, mentor, brother, best friend, inspiration, motivator, rival. He is my family now, he changed my life. He came to my school and did Spoken Word with his team called Shattered Thought. He introduced me into the art and encouraged me to start writing. I suprised him last december by slaming for his team , I came in 4th out of 12 youth poets, with three really sucky poems. Since then as a person, writer, revolutionary I have grown. I have so many fun memories with this dude its not even funny. This upcoming summer I graduate, turn 18, go to Brave New Voices 2012, I also go on a month long tour with him. Can't wait

(From farthest to closest) Cuban, Brandon, Me

This was taken in the ATL Airport on our way to the Bay Area for BNV 2011.










 As We Build (Frappuccino Machines)
"Then if hip-hop is dead, then spoken word is addicted to meth, but if Whitney can make a come back, then we can re-group and produce more def depth less def poetry, seems like t.v done made poets deaf"

Just going wherever my feet take me

“Not all those who wander are lost”

—	J.R.R. Tolkien

I Wonder If They Notice Me

Day in and day out, I will be posting on this blog. I mean I pretty consistent. I've never been good until last year at expressing my thoughts and feelings. I'm still pretty bad, because their are a lot of feelings I don't really mess with. I daydream too often, I live my life while at school in auto-pilot. The one time I can always say I'm most honest with myself is when I'm on stage spilling my guts out to tons of strangers. When I'm on stage I am that "cool guy", Im the jock, the prom king, the smartest kid in the class, I am a force to be reckon with, I am respected, I am noticed. People care and listen to what I have to say, and love it. When I get to school, I'm pretty well known I have lots of friends, but they don't see the real me. With this blog they will know everything that goes on in my head. Because here I am a refugee from my mind, cause I spend to much time in their and its getting cluttered.