2011

2011

This year has been the best year of my life thus far. I mean I started it with making the 2011 Slam team the last day of the Year in 2010. To me the best thing about the year is the growth. Between myself, my craft, and just becoming a more loving person. I always had direction of a false sense of what I needed, now I care more about people than material items and don't get me wrong I was never like money money money but I wanted to ball out and would do so at any means. I've also grown in the literal sense, I am now 5'11 and I've come a long way from that 4'11 short kid in the 9th grade. As an artist Im personally extremely proud of myself I've grinded hard and harder than a lot of my peers. New to the game and dropped a mix tape and an EP , even more amazing made some guap from it. If I look at the poems I wrote back in January, I'd cry because there horrible.
I have developed a lot of relationships this year. First and for most with jasmine we've grown extremely close and I'd take a bullet for her, it doesn't matter if she would for me or not but I will. Then there is the team, I don't think I would be who I am with out them, especially Brandon, Benaché, and Ephraim. Those are my brothers like we went on this journey together and created a bond that is strong and sure we've had disagreements, like it took a while for me and Ephraim to connect, to get Benaché to open up too me, and specially me and Brandon to get over the Bro Code thing, but we did and we all became better people because of each other, I'd take many of ass whoopings for these dudes. I will make sure there in my life forever, and if not I will remember them till my next life.
When I came back from BNV, I kinda became "cool" if there such a thing , but I got a lot of respect from my peers and socially made people accept who I am , and if they don't the hell with them, I may be "weird" or "awkward" , but it's who i am. This year has also been a great year with the ladies, I've never been use to having girls into me, I'd always been the small little black kid in the class who has the crushes and there called crushes because namesake I was always getting crushed. I dated girls that helped me discover a lot about myself. I've developed a taste on what I like and I use to have this criteria but now I just look for the genuine inside of a person. The looks have taking a backseat and I found out what beautiful really is. It's not soft curves, silky legs, powdered face, but the light that exudes from a person, the energy they possess and give to the universe. Ive become a little more emotionally open with females. I messed with some black girls that surprised me, and even connected with a girl who I spent little time with but was infatuated with every aspect of her, and still friends with her. I came back from the Bay and I started getting mad play from a lot of females, which is rare for me, specially with Robert being one of my best friend . Then there is one person in particular. I have built a relationship with her, that is very interesting. I don't really stay in relationships for long but it's been 3 months tomorrow and it's been wonderful and I know I don't speak often about my relationship with her but I wish I could explain how intricate and beautiful she is and I'm not even talking about her looks. She is a caring and endearing person, Intelligent, open, curious, radiant. The energy that you receive from her instantly makes you want to know more about her , what she's thinking, where she came from, she's intriguing. I don't think she will know how wonderful she is, but I can't thank her for all the passion that she has shown me, trusting me with her keepsake, secrets, and just being a gentle beautiful soul. She believes in me, in all of my endeavors even when she shouldn't. Like they say there is a first time for everything well she leaves me tongue tied and speechless all the time. There is starting to be a special place in my life for her.
On another note this has been a year for beginnings and endings , I have been ending relationships with people I will miss but have stopped me from growing. I've been ending the year with great things best thing I got into FAM. I hope this post doesn't come off arrogant or anything I just wanted to share what went on this year, so many great things and if anything I am just really proud of myself because I've taken a lot of wrong turns but it really seems like I'm on a path for something great and I will travel this road with hopes that I can make a difference.

Jonathan Brown

So this is jonathan brown and he has turned into my favorite poet... even over amir suilaiman. He is brilliant, and I am so glad I got to meet him and spend time with him. He came with us to BNV and now i just have all these poems in my head because thats what his poems do to me. Here is a list of quotes that just apply to my life right now.

“In my next life, hopefully I won’t remember this one, so I can avoid the noise that distract me from my passion, who am I kidding I spent half of yesterday wishing you called”- Jonathan brown

“I’m quick to beg ice cubes to burst into flames or other impossible shit like my life to get better while I stay the same”- Jonathan Brown

“You can usually tell my level of sanity by how mangled my fingernails are”-jonathan brown

” I called you on your birthday for the same reason people go to church on easter sunday,it is only a gesture, people who go to church on Easter sunday because they wish they had a relationship with God Like I wish I  had a relationship with you” -Jonathan Brown

“Maybe this is disaster tourism at it’s worse, because I don’t want you to love my words, I want you to rubberneck past the scene of the wreck and hope nobody is dead, expect nothing less than a five car pile up, 3 or 4 trucks, too many blue lights and the jaws of life slice through the crumpled up vista of who I use to be” - Jonathan Brown

“There is a fine line between living your dreams or sleepwalking through life”-Jonathan Brown

“I am 2 family traits away from making the same mistakes my dad did, distance is a trait i wish I could unlearn”-Jonathan Brown

“This is for the dyslexic kid who raises his middle finger to any motherfucker who think they are better just because the letters make sense on the page”-Jonathan brown

I'll let the poetry speak for itself

Going to Camp

THIS ALBUM .... BONKERS !!!!! 

So I listen to childish Gambino's Camp , amazing, wonderful, magnificent, I haven't liked an album this much since bastard. Which is saying a lot because Bastard was...well don't get me started. See Donald Glover is the adult version of me as I've been told but he goes through the same things I went through and stuff that I'm going through now. For instance, he talks about being to black to be white and to white to be black so where does one go. I remember being in elementary school in longmont, colorado and I was the only black kid. It wasn't hard to forget that I was the only black kid because everyone reminded me that I was the only black kid. When I move to Jacksonville I went to ghetto J.E.B stuart and I acted white, I wasn't black or a minority, I talked white, dressed white, and got mad fun off because I was smart. Another thing is he talks about his evolution and getting all this attention from girls. I feel him,  I'm still not use to it. I was talking to my ex girlfriend and she was just telling me all the things wrong with me. She said I run away every time someone likes me. I don't think so but she is one of the few people who know me better than I do. She also threw in that I'm arrogant and She just never saw me as a cool kid, but I digress.  This album does so many things to my soul its not even funny, its beautifully produced and I suggest you listen to it. Here are some of my favorite tracks.. Which is the whole album but these!                      

                           

L.E.S

Heartbeat

Letter Home

That Power

Lol evolutionist.

I think it's kinda futile to prove that evolution doesn't exist for the fact that we are constantly evolving. I am not the same person I was yesterday and I won't be the same person tomorrow. We are always evolving into a better form of our selves. I can't explain mine, but I can feel it happening I am getting wiser, older, and more aware of the things around me. I can't really describe it but I can show you, and hope that you understand.

The inner Monologue

So on Childish Gambino's album Camp, at the end he has a monologue. This is it above the words I am typing. It is so simple but it packs a punch. I've damn near memorized the thing and it just hit home for me. There are certain lines that just touch me in the heart like " Back in the real world we don't go to the same school, and unless one of our parents move to a dramatically different we won't go to the same high school, so this is kinda it for us, unless I say something and might exspecially be it for us if I do say something" and "I told you something and it was just for you, and you told everyone". AHHHH just gohshnfehng..... The ending line kills me. "I wish this is a story how I got on the bus a boy got off a man more cynical, harden and mature. But thats not true. I got on the bus a boy, and I never got off the bus. I still haven't". I don't really cry but man this gets to me.

         So like any artist I got super inspired and I started writing my own inner monologues, they are kinda directed at different people but  when I say them outloud I'm always talking to the same person. Here are some:

lately i’ve been trying to stay off your blog. not like i’m avoiding you or anything, i just want to think about you less. you know what the kicker of all this is? your not going to read this and i know were suppose to be all in each others heads and stuff, but… i’m trying to escape from mine. i saw you in the hall at school today in between 3rd and 4th lunch. you’ve been having an unusual amount of pep in your step and your hair bounces when you walk. i smell like sweat and cafeteria chocolate milk.. so i wasn’t about to run up to you and say “hey”…. the really annoying part is , i just saw you an hour ago and i just wanted to grab your hand, run out of school, go to jerusalem and sit by the crappy stream. you know the stream where everyone flicks there cigarette butts into and it smells like death by pollution. i’d sit there and read you love poems, which is mighty fucked up because i don’t believe in love, but i’d definitely read you these love poems. my grandma gave me my granddads old camera, its pretty nice. i like it, i think its better than buying one of those overly priced cannon like every d person on tumblr, just so they can take pictures of themselves and pieces of paper. their “photographers” and i get it everyone wants to be an artist, because it makes you feel good. soooo more power to them. but anyways i want to take the camera and take snapshots of you a three minutes when you aren’t looking. or maybe everyday. and by christmas i would have a photo album of candid shots to give you… . . but thats sorta creepy. i think your stretch marks are beautiful. no no, this isn’t like the foot fetish thing, they just remind me that you are human sometimes. i say sometimes because your more like an ecstasy… (haha) sorta like my high that won’t fade… i don’t think i’m in love with you, well i don’t think i’ll ever be in love with you, maybe for the fact that we live in a world where people get crushed by a 4 letter word like that and cause huge emotional , psychological damage and all most people say is “fuck em” or “there is more fish in the sea”. sounds like bullshit. i don’t know i feel like i’m just rambling now, and i don’t even know if i’m going to wake up tomorrow , so i don’t know why i’m doing so much life contemplating. i think its because the sad thing is, i know i have a 90% chance that i am and i’m not being reborn when i wake up, i continue doing the same pattern i’ve been doing. and maybe thats just what life is … a pattern. or maybe this is all a dream. well it sounds way more philosophical if is, so lets call life a dream. and one day i will wake up and start living.

Another

When I was younger, my favorite thing use to be to read my Calvin and Hobbes (fuck you spell check thats how you spell Hobbes) comic books. I had them all and I use to read them over and over and over.I could never decide what my favorite schtick was between calvin’s snarky ass comments to his mother about the dinner or his duplicator machine or how he hated girls even though he secretly loved Susie. I envied his vivid imgination, his innate ability to create. Then they stopped making them, and I got mad depressed. I felt like I lost a friend almost.


I got older and I started to get that feeling with other things like television shows. I would watch old series like Scrubs, Dragon Ball Z, X-Men Evolution, Good Times, Boondocks (even though there making another season !!!!!!). Well once the Series finale came along and the show ended I got so sad again, like I was missing a piece of me. So I learned to stop investing myself in things, and just have surface level emotions. and It works.


Ever since I joined Shattered Thought, I’ve gotten better with dealing with them, starting investing myself and emotions in poems, starting t become a piece of me. I don’t know why I’m writing this, it just every time I get some type of unwanted emotions, I think of that feeling of reading the last strip in the final book of Calvin and Hobbes. Brandon says the things you enjoy doing shouldn’t make you sad or mad. I wish I had something more philosophical or inspirational to say. . . but I just don’t know….

and another

Music is getting harder to listen too. I’m starting to feel myself through each note, each beat that I listen too. Its like as soon as the decibels hit my ear, it sends a signal to my brain to start bleeding feelings.


They say right before you die you can see your life flashing before your eyes. I wonder if its true. I feel like as humans we suppress so many things, and our brains are so interesting, like we can really convince ourselves of anything if we try hard enough. I was having a conversation with your mother about death. I don’t know how I could do it, telling someone that they are about to die. How do you grasp something like that? She said the 5 stages of grief are real. I’ve had people die in my life but I don’t think I’ve ever been angry about, I just always accepted it as part of life.


I’ve been becoming more disconnected from everything. Today I just sat outside in the rain and stared. I was like blurring everything together and just trying to listen. I was trying to pinpoint where every raindrop was hitting. Just the pitter patter soothes my insides. I’m always thinking about how I have to remember how there is something always bigger than me.I also have to remember sometimes how big I am….and I keep not doing shit to help others. Or at least not as much as I should.


I guess what ever helps people sleep at night. The big hearted are always the insomniacs. and the paradox about how dreamers are never sleep.


I have to do something risky. I don’t know what but just……. something

Let Me tell you bout my bestfriend !!!

Jasmine Nicole Dukes

Well.

She is the absolute most wonderful person i've ever met.

the list of people in my life

Nans

Jasmine

those are the most important.

I'd die for her

really I would.

I'll let you bask in her awesomness. 

The Internet

So another branch of OFWGKTA is the internet. I'm the only one of my friends who listen to them but they have an album coming out called Purple Naked Ladies.. I CANT WAIT.  Syd and Matt are so ill. Funny thing is we are facebook friends. Don't sleep on them.

The Internet- They Say

Purple Naked Ladies Promo

Replenish my serotonin

Every Morning my day starts and 5:45

I wake up

I put on pants

I empty the Dishwasher.

For breakfast I have a glass of milk and a little white pill.

I stopped having my brain cluttered with thoughts, I didn't feel any emotions, I wasn't sleeping. It was great. The only problem is, I wasn't there.

I felt  like I was watching a movie and everything around me was surreal.

The problem about running from your problem is that they always come up in another form.

No color, no perfection, not all mine. Because it's about the moment. And nothing else

So I have this friend. Her name is mariah. She wants to document her life in a year with all pictures so she can see where she has been, seen how much she's grown, and watch the evolution in cycle. She carries around this camera and takes all of her pictures in black and white. She said it's not about the picture its about the moment. It's an interesting way of looking at everything. These are some of the pictures I stole from her blog. Thevirginvirgo.tumblr.com

Sorry for the wait

No this is not Lil wayne's mixtape. Lol but I have been neglecting this blog for a while. Truth is I have been running from it. I just kinda retracted back into my shell and been on a downward spiral ever since. For those who are reading this, I don't know how to describe my life, I don't even know how to describe my feelings. You know those people who have been their own worse problem, yes that is me. I hope that my blog just have some type of substance to grasp, I'm trying not to feel like shit all the time and I'll do my best to make sure you guys to feel horrible. The validity of this promise is.... I'll do my best.

Swaggin

 So in my Issue based theater class we were talking about things that make us happy. Like exuberant and that "Invitation to the playboy mansion" type of happy. Well I was talking about how dancing, just makes me instantly feel better. I use to be a big hip hop dancer, I also tap dance, took ballet, and ethnic dance classes. As well as on a rainy day. nothing helps like slow dancing with a girl in the mist of the downpour. Well I've sort of strayed away from those things, and came into my own form of dancing. Its called Swaggin, and its a mixture of cooking, the dougie, but just really felling your swaggar and vibe. So these are some of my favorite swaggin and feel good songs.

Hemp Bracelets

So I often find as a male there is lots of taboo's that come with the gender, and to be honest those "gender roles" are stupid. I am a sucker for intimacy, I like to cuddle, to be held, to be caressed, not in a erotic way but in a sensual way. I like a woman's touch, the way my body heats up, I like the girls that give me goose bumps, and make the hairs on my neck erect. Last week my quota of cuddling went up, just the way I'm able to hold violentghandi in my arms and how comfortable it is, I feel . . . Safe. Like I'm not suppose to be anywhere else but right there with her. She doesn't look me in the eyes too often, and I guess thats good because my eyes can deceive, but I don't have bad intentions on why I'm dating her. I said a month ago "All I want is a cute chick, who was smart, creative, has a love for the arts, lived here, I can listen to old school music and OFWGKTA with, and has some sexy feet". Once again the universe grants desires for those who are humble and patient. Peace and blessings.

Benefit of the Doubt

" Let me bash on you so I can tend to wounds, to show how much I care baby girl love hurts" - Sebastian Jones

Due to recent events and just a whole plethora of things thats throwing my life through loopholes, I decided to write a poem, this is a real honest poem, its some of the old me, new me, and soon to become me. I wrote the intro while I was with ghandi yesterday and finished up on the bus today. Like a good 5 hours of my day was dedicated to traveling around jacksonville. I saw lots of great stuff and some bad stuff, but I got a great poem in my opinion. This is a rough draft, even though I'm probably not gonna change anything.

I always enter like a thief in the night

 a mouse at the peak of a new day, 

scurrying across pinewood floors avoiding the paws of the lonely house cat,

they don't see me coming

just a half built scrawny body daydreaming in the boondocks of the hallway,

I've now found another way for my heart to become incognito,

beneath this shield of covering swagger and my actions resemble one of a womanizer,

I've never been a pimp or a player,

but I've fallen in love with the way I can make girls melt in my arms by my touch

Now every week its a different girl,

every week a new set of lips to kiss,

every week its another heart I can pick pocket,

I tend to like the ones that are a little harder to break,

cause their is much more satisfaction when they do,

like I wonder if this is how Hugh Heifner feels surrounded by big bosomed bunnies burying their dreams inside one man,

Maybe its just the sound,

the way these frozen liquid nitrogen hearts burst against concrete

I came to discretely,

In the shadows,

whispering "its okay baby, love hurts, now come back so I can teach you how to love me",

Some nights I look in the mirror wondering how I can be so cold,

How can I be so indifferent to all these people who put faith in me,

spend hours in the shower trying to was of all the different scents

trying to make sense that its not my fault,

cause I need to sleep at night,

I tell myself  after every-time it happens "no more thats the last one', 

but I still find myself failing to peel back this oxymoronic persona that keeps the real me inside,

See thats the gentleman,

he was here long before I was a poet,

I was dope

the skinny small kid,

who would have accepted any female in open arms,

treat her like a queen,

I promised these femme fatales my heart, but that wasn't good enough.

No, they wanted the running back, never the water boy.

Now days revenge never tasted so sweet,

feeding off tears and battered souls while remembering that linger taste of rejection, 

Their this girl,

I've liked her for some time now,

and she said she saw me preying on my next victim,

trying to find God with my tongue in different mouths,

she sees my heart trying to explode out of my ribcage because it wants to be loved,

she told me to give it too her.

I replied with " I'm in love with the way I can squeeze blood from these organs and make girls weep,"

She said "Please be mine, instead of that fall in love with the way my head rests on your shoulder,

the way you hold me in-between your arms,

I'll grab your hand in front of everyone, unless you want to keep us a secret,

stand here with outstretched limbs until your ready to take a leap of faith,

because broken heartstrings can be repaired,

but the inability to love means you might not know the serenity of kissing sunlight,

with the feeling that your heart won't come back stamped "return to sender",

so swallow your regret,

inhale a fresh start,

and put faith in a simple okay"

  

The Morning After

I don't think the skit is irrelevant due to the fact that I didn't get laid yesterday, but it fit.  Yesterday was a interesting day, is hard to explain since so many things happen. I pay really close attention to detail for everything thats happening around me I am always noticing little idiosyncrasies. Despite being surrounded by a few morons I can't complain. I spent part of m day with violentghandi, which was. . . (for some reason, I'm trying to downplay how great it felt, cause I hate feelings) overall calming. I felt a peace and serenity happening, and it never felt so good, because I've been longing it.
                   The funny thing that I found is another reason why you can't judge a book by its cover. I think on the outer appearance when you see her, it feels like she has this wall up, and she doesn't make eye contact with you. I hear others think she's mean, but I just come to find out she says what she feels , which makes her, a very real person. When were with people its like ahfshf0s[hfslf slfsg (<--- don't decipher thats my secret language) whatever, but when were alone I feel and see this person different. When we were alone we had conversations and you could hear the sincerity in her voice, she was genuine and the silence. Don't get me started on the silence, its like we were talking but not saying a word. I felt like god had slithered off a piece of he sun a barged it in my chest, I was radiating positive energy and sunlight.
                I got a lot of questions on asking if thats my girlfriend and I'm real big on the philosophy on "go with the flow", but I never really answered the question just changed the subject. Maybe though.

" I hate that it takes a kick me sign for you to notice me" - Eric Alamanzar


"She is an escaping daydream" - Ephraim Riggins

Hater. . .

Song To help contemplate life

Today in my Issue Based Theater class we had a pretty emotional day. It was basically the "Shit got real" part of challenge day. I am very distant from most of the people in the class manly cause thats just my nature, but I now feel a new found appreciation/respect for them. What we did we just got up 5 at a time a would individually at will say things that make us upset. I can not thank these people enough for being so brave and sharing their souls with me and the rest of the class. There are 2 things hat other people said the really resonated with me. One is from this girl name Shya, she said "I wish my friends new how much I really love them" and the other is from another girl who said " I hate when I see people who need help and I don't do anything". Which reminded me of this homeless woman I use to see at the bus stop. I would always see every time I rode the bus at a different bus stop. She had these messed up pair of shoes like it was basically a sock for her, and I said I would get her a pair of my mamas shoe because they were the same size but I never did. Now I don't ever see her, and I have so much regret, and I am so so sorry I didn't do anything. I think about her all the time and I could alter her life and I did nothing. I tend to take things like this really hard because all I truly want to be is a good human. When I die I want people to say "He was a damn good human" or "He was one of the people who actually cared". Why do I do stuff like that?
             When is was my turn to say stuff that makes me upset/ angry, I talked about how I compare myself to other people, how people call me crazy, how I tend to hate on other peoples success. This reminded my of a poem that changed my life. Its from BNV by Tampa Team Rock It West Wing. Its Amazing, beyond belief. This is my life.

Follow them on tumblr

Nia (Middle) -youthspeakinpimp.tumblr.com/

Eric (Right) - gravityamplifica.tumblr.com/

Haters By Nia, Eric, and Curtis

• •   Hello, my name is Nia and I’m a hater
    (hi Nia)
    
    I hate when my back aches,
    my mother says it’s because I sleep wrong,
    but I know that when I sleep,
    arms holding my head,
    legs dangling over the floor,
    mimicking threads of Rapunzel’s golden rope hair that chokes the life out of rumple-negros,
    not getting my sheets twisted with the tangle
    of the fairly horrid tales my walls whisper at night.
    What happens is,
    my mother’s stilettos slowly stab the same holes her mother did her spine,
    to mine,
    somewhere along the way someone must have told her,
    that the spikes in her souls could make her step higher,
    so she walks,
    its actually becoming a game to us at night,
    see, the goal is not to hurt me,
    we are just trying to see who can reach my dreams the fastest.
    
    
    Hi, my name is Eric. And I’m a hater.
    *Hi, Eric*
    I hate it when I walk into a classroom and everybody stares at me.|
    I just feel… dirty.
    I hate my desk.
    Always sticky, always covered in doodles…
    Of penises.
    I mean, Really? Just penises?
    The scary thing is though, I think that the kid that draws them is the next Picasso.
    But I don’t even think he could paint a picture as beautiful as the work of art that I’m staring at right now.
    Dreads, dangling.
    Braces, gleaming.
    Back slouched like she rings bells in a tower.
    She totally wants me…
    I can tell by the way she borrowed my pencil and didn’t even give it back.
    mmm, I can tell.
    
    Hello my name is Curtis
    And I am a Hater
    (Hi Curtis)
    
    I hate when the back of my neck sweats
    And the palms of my hands bleed from my nails digging into them
    My adrenalin pumps and I become a monster
    I mean, all he was doing was looking at her
    And I happily smashed his face into a locker
    I don’t, I don’t mean to do these things
    But it’s like I can’t control it
    People think I’m a punk, a bully, a thug
    But I just want someone to love me
    Love. Me.
    So hit me back
    I love the way your fists love my face
    Your feet feel like home inside of my rib cage
    
    Eric y Curtis - Notice me, I am here
    
    Nis y Curtis - Love me, I am here
    
    NIa – I hate when people stare at me,
    like my crooked back’s a snapshot of my insides,
    
    Curtis y Nia – bubbling to the top of a shotgun knife fight
    
    Curtis- Cock it and let it blow, my back still has holes from all the times I’ve left myself open
    
    Curtis y Eric- Choking on the words left unspoken
    
    Eric- I hate that it takes a kick me sign for you to notice me when you infest my wet day dreams leaving me with my backpack over my crotch so nobody notices I’m hard as a rock
    Together – but standing up isn’t easy when you’re sitting down in the back of a classroom
    
    Eric – WITH AN ERECTION
    
    Curtis – A broken heart
    
    Nia – and misplaced vertebrae filled with dreams mother had before king
    
    
    Curtis – I hate home
    Eric – I hate penises
    Nia – I hate that daddy isn’t around
    
    Curtis- I hate cigarette burns
    Nia – I hate having no siblings
    Eric - I hate when people SKIP me
    
    Curtis & Nia – I hate waking up in the morning
    Eric & Nia– I hate feet
    Nia & Curtis – I hate getting caught in hospital bed sheets
    
    Curtis & Eric – I hate my therapist
    Eric & Nia– I hate being bullied
    Nia & Curtis– I hate when mother turns the night light off
    
    Everyone – I hate rejection
    Everyone– I hate my mother
    Everyone- I hate myself
    *reflective pause*
    
    Eric & Nia-…and no snow flake in avalanche ever feels responsible ,
    Curtis- I was taught how to beat myself down
    Everybody-And now look at me,
    Nia-I’m bloody
    Nia & Eric-I’ve spent most of my days trying to cut myself out of my own body
    Everybody- But still I’m left cold and heartless
    
    Eric- Bows and arrows ready to fire with my pride as the target
    Everybody-According to my class I’m dumb, deaf and retarded
    Eric-I just want to live without wanting to die…
    Nia & Curtis-We say we hate the things around us in this life of sin,
    Everyone-But the hate that we’re expressing, comes from within
    
    Everyone - So inhale your inhibitions
    Curtis - swallow your pride
    Eric - make sure you keep that spine aligned
    Nia - make a portrait of yourself out of the puzzles pieces from the broken mirrors
    
    Everyone – It’s gonna be hard… I know
    
    but outstretched limbs toward those that aren’t to blame only reflects the bruised and battered hatred on your insides when love
    .. is that exhale… you should be searching to find

• • 
    

Unaware of the confidence within

For some reason I am always surprised when I find out that girls like me or are attractive too me. Like I don't get it, and I think its because I still hold on to the past. I had low self confidence back in the day because I always felt below average to everyone else. Like even going up to the first half of junior year. I would always be so bewildered that women would be interested in me and I would start to become a self sabotaging narcissist. Now I still think Im lacking some of that self confidence cause I'm like "Me?!?! I'm skinny, I have chicken legs, noodle arms, a bird chest, my smile is messed up, I don't fall into the black guy myth of having an abnormally large penis, my ears are big, I'm awkward, and I could go on and on", But I realize its not those attributes that make up the person. Sure their nice , but we just got to accept what god gave us. No one asks to be unattractive. oddly shaped, have blemishes or birth defects, but it happens, and the day that we accepts ourselves is when most of our problems will go away. So stand up and be proud, and never let anybody make you feel less about yourself or think that your not right, because not a damn thing is wrong with you, and life is too short to be ashamed by our own bodies. So this is me.
                 Hi my name is Andre and I'm

• Skinny
• I have a bird chest
• I'm not "cool"
• I got chicken legs
• I can't fight
• I do like cliches like long walks on the beach
• I will never probably ever be a girls dream guy
• I won't ever be a "chris brown" or "Taye Diggs"
• I have a growth defect
• I'm knock kneed

and I'm proud of that!

They Know Me

I think we all have those songs, where we feel like the artist wrote this or is talking directly too us. I don't know why but these songs, summarize my life.

A Secret To Share

She likes to call us a secret. I don't think she knows how the sight of her makes me go weak in the knees. How when I sat with her, my breath shallows sharp, and Im flabbergasted by the way her eyes danced with mine. I like her probably more than I should, and won't be able to love her nearly enough. She asked me not to fall in love in her absence, she said one day she will kiss me a kagillion times. I found out that she will be coming to visit me for a weekend in december and just the thought makes me break out in a cold sweat. I want to give her my heart, with the expectation that she will crush it or lose it or like toss it into Limbo. For the limited time that I see her, I'm not gonna try to push for sex or anything, because when I'm talking to her I don't think about those things. Sometimes I think am I infatuated with her? My best friend told me I was in love with this girl and I rightfully denied it. I love the idea of "Us" what we can become, the future us. I say I'm going to marry her, and I don't think people believe me but I will. Just wait. 

I'm Going To Take Over The World

. . . Finally A Man?

This is a touchy subject for me I don't know if I really want to speak much about it cause I'm confused on what a man is. What defines this? It is frustrating but my second favorite poet is Anis Mojgani who is simply brilliant I want to meet him but he defines my life in so many ways its not even funny.

As The Muslim Spits

This right here is my favorite poet. Amir Sulaiman is so brilliant. His poetry comes from being black in the hood and being muslim. He was on Def Poetry Jam a couple times. I think what gets me is that he is so simple but the writing is so strong. His word play and imagery is beyond dope. I like to quote him randomly in conversations like "Not I love you but, not I love you if, but when love is missed, then love turns to myth, so why break your heart for myth."  and "They lied when they say time flies, time floats aimlessly then time dies, a broken wing bird a slave to gravity". 

The Boombox In My Chest Plays..

So we all have that music you like to vibe to. Wear you can just chill and write, light a candle and do whatever. These are just a couple songs that do that for me, have you ever just heard songs that make your insides dance. All you can do is just nod your head to the beat and just listen.

                                           Inside the Clouds - N.E.R.D. 

Jettin - Digible Planets

                                             Summertime - Janis Joplin

    They Reminisce Over You - C.L Smooth & Pete Rock 

Fortunate Accidents

She says you exude sunlight,

loves remembering the reefer smoke and how close ya’ll bodies got.

How hot as ash and blunt burn that was.

She’d like that heat again.

Says only special boys can flirt constellations into girls’ eyes,

pick pocket their hearts in sniper silence,

lust jazz into their bodies under the moon or some shit,

kiss all of the ugly stumbling out of their mouths into something beautiful.

You have held her like a memory once. I think neither of you has let go. I like that. 

– Her

Analog - Tyler, The Creator ft Hodgy Beats

Thinking About You- Frank Ocean