Hater. . .

Song To help contemplate life

Today in my Issue Based Theater class we had a pretty emotional day. It was basically the "Shit got real" part of challenge day. I am very distant from most of the people in the class manly cause thats just my nature, but I now feel a new found appreciation/respect for them. What we did we just got up 5 at a time a would individually at will say things that make us upset. I can not thank these people enough for being so brave and sharing their souls with me and the rest of the class. There are 2 things hat other people said the really resonated with me. One is from this girl name Shya, she said "I wish my friends new how much I really love them" and the other is from another girl who said " I hate when I see people who need help and I don't do anything". Which reminded me of this homeless woman I use to see at the bus stop. I would always see every time I rode the bus at a different bus stop. She had these messed up pair of shoes like it was basically a sock for her, and I said I would get her a pair of my mamas shoe because they were the same size but I never did. Now I don't ever see her, and I have so much regret, and I am so so sorry I didn't do anything. I think about her all the time and I could alter her life and I did nothing. I tend to take things like this really hard because all I truly want to be is a good human. When I die I want people to say "He was a damn good human" or "He was one of the people who actually cared". Why do I do stuff like that?
             When is was my turn to say stuff that makes me upset/ angry, I talked about how I compare myself to other people, how people call me crazy, how I tend to hate on other peoples success. This reminded my of a poem that changed my life. Its from BNV by Tampa Team Rock It West Wing. Its Amazing, beyond belief. This is my life.

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Nia (Middle) -youthspeakinpimp.tumblr.com/

Eric (Right) - gravityamplifica.tumblr.com/

Haters By Nia, Eric, and Curtis

• •   Hello, my name is Nia and I’m a hater
    (hi Nia)
    
    I hate when my back aches,
    my mother says it’s because I sleep wrong,
    but I know that when I sleep,
    arms holding my head,
    legs dangling over the floor,
    mimicking threads of Rapunzel’s golden rope hair that chokes the life out of rumple-negros,
    not getting my sheets twisted with the tangle
    of the fairly horrid tales my walls whisper at night.
    What happens is,
    my mother’s stilettos slowly stab the same holes her mother did her spine,
    to mine,
    somewhere along the way someone must have told her,
    that the spikes in her souls could make her step higher,
    so she walks,
    its actually becoming a game to us at night,
    see, the goal is not to hurt me,
    we are just trying to see who can reach my dreams the fastest.
    
    
    Hi, my name is Eric. And I’m a hater.
    *Hi, Eric*
    I hate it when I walk into a classroom and everybody stares at me.|
    I just feel… dirty.
    I hate my desk.
    Always sticky, always covered in doodles…
    Of penises.
    I mean, Really? Just penises?
    The scary thing is though, I think that the kid that draws them is the next Picasso.
    But I don’t even think he could paint a picture as beautiful as the work of art that I’m staring at right now.
    Dreads, dangling.
    Braces, gleaming.
    Back slouched like she rings bells in a tower.
    She totally wants me…
    I can tell by the way she borrowed my pencil and didn’t even give it back.
    mmm, I can tell.
    
    Hello my name is Curtis
    And I am a Hater
    (Hi Curtis)
    
    I hate when the back of my neck sweats
    And the palms of my hands bleed from my nails digging into them
    My adrenalin pumps and I become a monster
    I mean, all he was doing was looking at her
    And I happily smashed his face into a locker
    I don’t, I don’t mean to do these things
    But it’s like I can’t control it
    People think I’m a punk, a bully, a thug
    But I just want someone to love me
    Love. Me.
    So hit me back
    I love the way your fists love my face
    Your feet feel like home inside of my rib cage
    
    Eric y Curtis - Notice me, I am here
    
    Nis y Curtis - Love me, I am here
    
    NIa – I hate when people stare at me,
    like my crooked back’s a snapshot of my insides,
    
    Curtis y Nia – bubbling to the top of a shotgun knife fight
    
    Curtis- Cock it and let it blow, my back still has holes from all the times I’ve left myself open
    
    Curtis y Eric- Choking on the words left unspoken
    
    Eric- I hate that it takes a kick me sign for you to notice me when you infest my wet day dreams leaving me with my backpack over my crotch so nobody notices I’m hard as a rock
    Together – but standing up isn’t easy when you’re sitting down in the back of a classroom
    
    Eric – WITH AN ERECTION
    
    Curtis – A broken heart
    
    Nia – and misplaced vertebrae filled with dreams mother had before king
    
    
    Curtis – I hate home
    Eric – I hate penises
    Nia – I hate that daddy isn’t around
    
    Curtis- I hate cigarette burns
    Nia – I hate having no siblings
    Eric - I hate when people SKIP me
    
    Curtis & Nia – I hate waking up in the morning
    Eric & Nia– I hate feet
    Nia & Curtis – I hate getting caught in hospital bed sheets
    
    Curtis & Eric – I hate my therapist
    Eric & Nia– I hate being bullied
    Nia & Curtis– I hate when mother turns the night light off
    
    Everyone – I hate rejection
    Everyone– I hate my mother
    Everyone- I hate myself
    *reflective pause*
    
    Eric & Nia-…and no snow flake in avalanche ever feels responsible ,
    Curtis- I was taught how to beat myself down
    Everybody-And now look at me,
    Nia-I’m bloody
    Nia & Eric-I’ve spent most of my days trying to cut myself out of my own body
    Everybody- But still I’m left cold and heartless
    
    Eric- Bows and arrows ready to fire with my pride as the target
    Everybody-According to my class I’m dumb, deaf and retarded
    Eric-I just want to live without wanting to die…
    Nia & Curtis-We say we hate the things around us in this life of sin,
    Everyone-But the hate that we’re expressing, comes from within
    
    Everyone - So inhale your inhibitions
    Curtis - swallow your pride
    Eric - make sure you keep that spine aligned
    Nia - make a portrait of yourself out of the puzzles pieces from the broken mirrors
    
    Everyone – It’s gonna be hard… I know
    
    but outstretched limbs toward those that aren’t to blame only reflects the bruised and battered hatred on your insides when love
    .. is that exhale… you should be searching to find

• •